It is okay to be insecure....

I was eating my lunch while watching TV.  I was as nervous as hell. I had to be. The selection results for my post-graduation programme were coming out and I had been waiting for them since the time I woke up, which unusually was pretty early that day.

Mid-way on finishing my lunch, I checked my phone. The results were out. I scrolled nervously. I wanted to scroll down my way quickly to see my name at the same time I also did not want to scroll quickly, because I did not know how I would feel after knowing that I did not make through it.

There it was. I finally saw my name on the list. Tears welled up. They weren’t tears of joy. These tears did not have a definition maybe. They were just there. I ran to my dad and told him I got selected. I tried as much as I could to not cry in front of him. But I just couldn’t control. He looked at me, laughed and asked; do you not want to go?  His brave child that I was, I said, of course, I want to go. He did not coax me to tell him why I was crying any further. Maybe he knew the reason. But I did not.

The course was for 10 months. Each day felt like a year to me. I have lived away from home earlier but this time it was very different. I just could not be myself around people. I was not an introvert, but I had become one. I had become insecure and afraid of people. The first three months went on to be like that. I was insecure that maybe the others were much better than I was. Insecure that maybe others knew a lot more than what I knew. I was insecure about being dominated. The first three months were really difficult. At a point, I felt that maybe I was going into depression. I could feel a lot of negative vibes in the place which I just could not take.

The second trimester seemed a little easier. This was probably when I had the best of my time here. We did a lot of practical work, something that I had always wanted to do. I became friends with people in the process. I got to understand that I was not as bad as I thought I was at work. It gave me some sort of joy and peace.

The issue with short term courses is that there is very little time to know people with the entire hectic schedule keeping one busy all throughout. An opportunity to know a person is possible only if you work with the person. Most of the friends I made were in this way. By the time you get to know everyone, times up and you have to leave the college to lead your respective lives.

The third trimester went by like the wind. Though most of the time we were busy with the submissions and deadlines. This was probably the bestest if there was any such word that existed. What we did during this trimester has made me into this confident person, who I would never want to lose.

Sometimes, when I just sit back and think about why I cried the day the results came out, I feel that maybe in the back of my mind, I knew that it would take me time to settle down which meant that maybe I would have to spend some time alone without friends. I think that maybe I was afraid of going about alone without friends and afraid of being judged.

When I think of why this place has excessive negative vibes, I feel maybe it isn’t the negative vibes after all. Everyone present there either was staying away from home for the first time or was sceptical about finding good friends.

I had become very defensive during the first 3 months, I wouldn’t talk to people. I would just sit in my room and loathe about not having good friends. I failed to think that maybe the others were also getting defensive just like me. Maybe others were also thinking of being approached by people instead of going out and making friends themselves.

These days, for hours together, I sit in the college library or in some corridor of the college contemplating on how life has changed and how it will change in the coming days. These are some of the last few days I have here where I am either reading something or planning something for the projects that don’t seem to get over.

Life for me will surely change in the next couple of months considering that I will no longer be going to college, which in turn means, life will be tougher and meaner.

It wouldn’t be like how it is now. I wouldn’t be waking up to see my college right before my eyes. I wouldn’t be waking up just minutes before my classes. I would not be carefree about how messy I look. I wouldn’t have wonderful mentors to guide me even after I do something wrong. Most importantly, I wouldn’t be getting second chances.

It is always difficult to settle down in a new place. Especially in a place which is diverse. It is important to be open to all sorts of communication. It is important to be a good company for yourself first before looking out for friends to keep you company. Because people come into your life just so they can leave you. This is harsh, but also the truth.

PC: Deepali Saxena