Sometimes it so happens that you want to do something which you want to do but then at the same time there is something that keeps pulling you from not doing it. Such are the days that I experience these days. I have wanted to write for the longest time now. I have thought of things that I would write about. But every time I sit down to write there is some unknown force that keeps me from letting out my thoughts.
I wonder if it is the new place I live in now that makes me unconsciously feel conscious about everything I do. A person usually can give the best of his/her capability in anything when in comfort. Maybe I wasn’t feeling as comfortable as I would in the places that I have earlier lived in.
This new place where I live now has everything I had imagined of. The facilities are really good compared to the place where I lived during my bachelor’s. Yet there is some sort of an unease growing inside me that makes me want to weep and sit in a corner hidden from the world around me.
I never was an introvert before. All this while I believed that I had mastered the art of accepting change in a way no one could. It now seems like I have been wrong all this while. The changed environment, the people here feel like a lump in my throat that needs to be gulped down.
As I write this, I start to feel like a lost child wanting to find some light in order to get back on the path I had come from.
I sometimes feel extremely insecure about the people around me. I feel insecure that they are in some way better than I am. I feel insecure that maybe they would go ahead with achieving all their aims and ambitions and possibly I would fall and not be able to get up because of all the insecurities that I have.
Sometimes it really is difficult to gather all the broken parts within you to be able to stand on your feet. Sometimes you just want to let the chaos take control of you because you think you cannot do anything to clear the mess. Sometimes you think your world has come to an end and that you should probably compromise on life and go into isolation so that you do not have to face the successful people. Sometimes you just don’t want to be a part of the competition because even before you actually step in you think that you would lose it. Sometimes you have seen so much success in life that you don’t wish to fail. You don’t wish to fail because the mind cannot accept it. The mind follows a particular algorithm. If it has perceived that failure relates to something negative, then bringing it to accept the fact that failure was just a part of life and making the mind accept it is a task.
One thing that I have understood after coming here is that one needs to forget his/her past life before going to a new place to start a new life or to just add more into the life that has been lived. The mind needs to start everything afresh to not have any preconceived notions.
As I write and read all that I have written, I feel there is so much that I have learnt about myself. Until now, before I began to put my thoughts in words, everything felt so unclear. My mind felt like a paper on which a child had just scribbled and abandoned it. Now that I have given myself the time to clear the tangled thoughts one by one, I feel good. I wouldn’t say that everything now is clear. I am sure that it will take time. And I would not give up until I am finally able to comprehend the doubts within me.
Image credits: Aindrisha Mitra.
Image credits: Aindrisha Mitra.
